“BREASTFEEDING YOUR CHILD DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE MESSIAH,” WARN MEDICS

Virtuous mums around the world are today reeling from the shock news that breastfeeding will not make them saviours of the human race.

The extensive studies, carried out by the BMA, found conclusively that lactating women showed no signs whatsoever, of being able to walk on water, or heal the lame.

“I absolutely dispute this,” said 39-year-old Jane, while breastfeeding her seven-year-old in the menswear department of a busy John Lewis. “Why else would I feel this superior to everyone else in the whole wide world? And my brelfies have earnt me 2,305 followers on Instagram. That’s 2,293 more than Jesus.”

Others greeted the revelation with delight. “Well, I welcome the news,” said Mr Davidson, a cockney former comedian currently signing on. “’Ow comes it’s only the old, fat ones with tatty tits what wop em out? Fackin’ lesbians! Me mum never titted me, and it never did me no ’arm!”

Medics have reassured smug mums they will still get to bleat, ‘breast is best’ at their chavvy bottle-feeding counterparts. However, their assurances are little comfort to some mums, including stay-at-home mother-of-three Sarah, who sobbed: “I just really, really wanted to turn water into wine…”

Obituaries: RIP My Perky Rack

Notorious norks and one-time toast of London, My Perky Rack has died aged 31 years old.

Born around 1986, My Perky Rack burst its way into the world, a budding, bouncy bosom necessitating a contortionist-like change for many a PE class.

During the course of My Perky Rack’s lifetime, it attended parties, sported some nice tops and, forever upbeat, remained pert throughout the course of numerous romances and subsequent heartbreaks.

But sadly, after many bad bras and breastfeeding two children, My Perky Rack lost its fight with gravity and was discovered collapsed on the floor of an M&S changing room.

My Perky Rack leaves behind one not very careful lady owner, who said: “I should have worn a better bra. I’ll miss those tits.”

My Perky Rack: 1986-2017.

MUM PLEADS GUILTY TO SHAM LIFE ON INSTAGRAM

A mother of two from Walthamstow, east London, today admitted her life on Instagram, with over 80,000 followers, is a complete and utter lie.

Before a packed forum on Mumsnet, mum Serena Dubois was forced to confess as a number of allegations were hurled at her by irate women; all very liberal with the angry emoji.

Among the revelations, Serena conceded to never laughing in the rain with her kids, being a regular user of the Juno filter and not really knowing what the peace sign means, despite using it for virtually every shot on her account.

“Do you even have any black friends?” demanded one Mumsnetter.

“No, none” said Serena, with a subsequent sad face icon. “They were just people in Starbucks whose soya lattes I paid for.”

The truth behind the Insta-sham was revealed when it transpired that deceiving Serena had cropped out an NCT friend from a post, for being too fat and ugly.

“She told me that my Matalan jeggings really let the shot down,” said the fat and ugly NCT friend. “She said that if I made the effort to look less mumsy and more like Rihanna, I might have made the shot.”

“I just feel really let down,” said one follower. “If I’d have known she had a fat and ugly NCT friend, I would have never have followed her. I feel cheated – like I’ve lost hours of my life that I can never get back.”

Serena, whose real name it transpires is Sally Dobson, has promised to reimburse the thousands of pounds she earnt from deals with Baby Boden and newly-launched line, Smug Mother.

“I’m sorry for the upset I’ve caused,” she added. “If it’s any consolation, I haven’t misled people about everything – I am genuinely very pretty and thin.”

Word to the New Mothers

We are currently experiencing a few maternal difficulties. Please bear with us…
[Test Card F, BBC]

A troll once informed me, among other uglier, slightly more menacing insults, that she found my blog, glib. I’ll take that, I thought. Clearly I threaten the careers of Dear Deirdre and Dr Miriam Stoppard in no way whatsoever, but if it’s a few juvenile jokes about being a knackered mum, or much reference to wine you’re after, I’m your girl. I believe us ‘inconsequential’ mum bloggers have our place in the internet world – and if it’s dinner-party dialogue about motherhood you desire, then there’s always the hallowed pages of The Pool or Mumsnet to keep you in a steady supply of worthy debate and sound bites.

However, what the troll said next hit a nerve. She suggested my flippancy was a ruse because, deep down, I was struggling with parenting. I felt stung. The sweary name calling I could sort of handle, writing her off as a typical vitriolic troll fighting demons of her own. But suddenly she sounded articulate and I hate to admit it, quite perceptive. I remember shaking slightly as I read her angry words via my mobile phone and, feeling instantly sick, I couldn’t finish my Saturday night curry.

7 Christmas Pissers to Drive a Mum to BOOZE

FullSizeRender

Do you sometimes find yourself a little narky this festive time of year? Hard to believe, but I know I can get a tad tetchy. I’m not talking the usual stresses here, like the pine needles filling up your Hoover bag, or trying to locate the end of the Sellotape. Years of experience and many-a wrapping rage prepare us for that shit. I’m referring to the less obvious stuff that year-after-year, since having kids, you are never fully braced for.

Well, this Christmas will be different. Thanks to me. And booze. Read on to get my top tipples (I know, I’m a wordplay genius), for seven Christmas pissers likely to drive you to drink…

8 Myths About a ‘More Mature’ Mum that can DO ONE!

Nothing more embarrassing than an older mum waving her kid off at the school gate... 'The Visit', Universal Studios

Nothing more embarrassing than an older mum waving her kid off at the school gate…
‘The Visit’, Universal Studios

Whenever a debate rages in the press about women over 35 getting pregnant and giving birth, it’s like a few slack hacks and gobshites cut and paste the same knackered notion that a bunch of shoulder-padded women have deliberately and selfishly delayed motherhood.

The latest to erupt the wrath is actress Tina Malone (her off Shameless), who gave birth at 50 and announced on Loose Women recently that she plans to have another, now at the age of 53. As you can imagine, the comments section of the Daily Mail was teeming with readers keen to congratulate her and not in any way suggest she’s an egocentric trollop whose withered wrists should be hung in stocks. Likewise, when reports came out that Janet Jackson is pregnant with her first at 49, columnist Amanda Platell railed that the singer was “pedalling false hope” and encouraging career-driven women to defer their motherhood plans. And of course, regular older-mum basher, Kirstie Allsopp can’t seem to keep her trap shut on the matter, urging, without any sort of invitation, that women cram in as many babies as they can in their twenties. She even admitted that she would advise any daughter of her own to forfeit ideas of going to university, for motherhood. (So, yeah, Malala Yousafzai, Taliban-tackler, Nobel Laureate and activist for female education – wind your neck in!)

Of course, I would never dream of undermining cold, hard medical facts. But I do take exception to lazy, musty journalism and rent-a-gobs who spew ridiculous comment. And let’s be honest, no one appears to be putting the celeb dad likes of Simon Cowell and Rod Stewart (who had his eighth child in his late 60s), under the same mean, accusatory scrutiny.

I gave birth to my first when I was 39-years-old and second, at 41, so I’ll admit to having the small hump with reading the same recycled guff when it comes to matters of ‘more mature’ mums. So, I’d like to tackle some of these myths – and make a polite request that they now do one…

10 reasons why my dad is BRILLIANT

My pop is lush.

My pop is lush.

There are dads, and then there is my dad. We’re not talking some run-of-the-mill, bad-dancing dad here, cracking predictable jokes, unable to drink tea from anything other than his special mug (although, all those things are true). He’s truly unique. He’s so funny, both intentionally and inadvertently, he makes Will Ferrell look a little melancholy. He’s so generous, he makes Bill Gates look a bit tight-fisted. He’s so big-hearted, he makes Florence Nightingale look a right bitch. You get the gist.

There are billions of reasons why my dad is brilliant. Below, are just ten of them…

7 Easy Steps to Becoming a Mummy-Blogging BORE

Fuck, I'm bored! Think I'll become a mummy blogger... [Married with Children, Fox TV]

Fuck, I’m bored! Think I’ll become a mummy blogger…
[Married with Children, Fox TV]

Partial to a parenting post? I know I am! I like the ones with swear words and gin in, best – but that’s because I am a massive mum-blogging bore. There are legions of us now. We have evolved from quintessential mummies narrating the journeys of our cute kids, into ‘frank’, ‘honest’, ‘normal’ mums, a bit liberal with the eff word. We propelled ourselves onto the internet claiming to be the ‘antitheses’ and ‘antidotes’ to the likes of BabyCentre and Mother & Baby, whose depictions of motherhood rarely include a booze-loving mum hiding in the loo, supressing a scream. In fact, there are so many of us now, detonating mum-truth bombs all over the internet, that, dare I say, it’s clear there is a small formula emerging.
So, if you fancy becoming a mummy-blogging bore, I can walk you through the process? In just seven easy steps, you too can be a self-appointed mum guru banging on about how candid you are…

5 Reasons NOT to Lose Your Shit Over a Primary School Choice

Chill out, love - you can always appeal... [Psycho, Paramount Pictures]

Chill out, love – you can always appeal…
[Psycho, Paramount Pictures]

Today your Facebook feed will no doubt be littered with people celebrating and lamenting the primary school places awarded to their children. At the time of writing, I don’t know if my four-year-old will be placed with our first-choice primary school and while I would ideally like to send him to a non-religious school (because, for me, there’s nowt scarier than a small kid declaring that Jesus loves you), I refuse to be drawn into the hysteria. With or without a religious assembly and the odd bit of bible-bashing, I believe we will all be fine.

If your primary school news has left you feeling a bit blue, I truly commend you for caring so much – and of course, there are many wide and varied reasons for becoming impassioned about it. But, presuming your needs are typical and the school awarded is not so chronically troubled your kid’s future is entirely fucked, perhaps I may assist you in a little perspective with the five points below…

8 New Dads to Blank on Paternity Leave

Lovely Tom Selleck, the original Hipster Dad... [Three Men and a Baby, Walt Disney Studios]

Lovely Tom Selleck, the original Hipster Dad…
[Three Men and a Baby, Walt Disney Studios]

Who’s in the mood for some futile stereotypes for a cheap and cheeky laugh? I am! And if you’ve read a blog post of mine before, you won’t be surprised to hear that. I started my blog over a year ago with 7 Types of Mum to Avoid on Maternity Leave and in the interests of being politically correct and spreading my scorn fairly between the sexes, I have outlined below eight types of dad to blank on paternity leave. Remember, I am a self-confessed more-mature-neurotic-mum, so stereotyping other people is completely fine…