Dear People at the Houses of Parliament
If it’s not too late, I’d like to submit my application for the role of Prime Minister in the forthcoming general election, please? I read recently in my copy of Bella magazine that the ‘school run mum’ vote is still up for grabs, with many mums undecided about which way to vote on May 7th. Well, as a mother of two and mum blogger, I’m obviously a bit of an expert in this area. As you will see from my very sophisticated and hugely extensive five-point manifesto laid out below, I definitely know what mums want and think you’ll agree, I’ve got this baby in the bag (ooh, that’s good, I might use that in a speech somewhere…)
I will introduce dead cheap foreign childcare
I realise this is probably territory a bit unfamiliar for our country, but I thought what we could do, is exploit a poor and/or troubled place abroad by inviting them over to do a load of cheap nanny labour for us? Just off the top of my head, somewhere like Sierra Leone or territories in eastern Ukraine? We could give them, say, a fiver a month, which I think is roughly the equivalent of about £75,000 in their money so it wouldn’t be like we were taking advantage or anything. It’s brilliant, isn’t it? We’ll boost the economy, get stay-at-home mums back into the workforce so the unemployment figures look good too, and then afterwards, we can slag off all the extra foreigners for being in the country and have some very heated debates about immigration – I was thinking perhaps in time for the next general election? Also, as luck would have it, I’m half Indian so I’ll be able to bat away accusations of racism with: “What? I ain’t no racist! You are, more like!” Should shut everyone right up…
I will make wine FREE on the NHS
Trust me, this will get mums voting in their droves. Once mothers realise that they will never really sleep again, ever, a glass of wine the size of a toddler’s head at the end of the day becomes their new holy grail. So mark my slurry words, wine is definitely a mum-voting winner. And don’t worry about increasing alcohol-related illnesses and stuff impacting on the NHS because I thought we could whack up the tax, like 500%, on shit like port and brandy – y’know, the booze only knobs drink – and we’ll plough it back into the National Health Service. I thought it would be nice to give NHS staff a bit of free wine too as they could probably do with a drink? I haven’t got much information on the mums who don’t drink wine and have even less information on those who don’t drink at all, but I thought perhaps we can offer alternatives like cans of Special Brew or some Quorn sausage rolls? Whatever helps them take the edge off their weird, wine-free days…
I will make it illegal for Katie Hopkins, Kirstie Allsop and Gwyneth Paltrow to say stuff about parenting
In truth, this act isn’t just about those three celeb plebs. I plan to draw up a contract which all ‘lady’ celebrities have to sign the minute they miss a period. This treaty means they will be strictly prohibited from preaching their barf-inducing and/or judgemental virtues of pregnancy or motherhood. My genius act will see our country, and the world even, free of gems such as five-nannies-Katie’s claim that, “only three weeks maternity leave is necessary”; Kirstie’s idiot suggestion that mothers, particularly working mums, “secretly enjoy household chores”; and that prat Paltrow’s plain excruciating notion that it’s much harder to be a movie star mum than it is to be, “a mom with a regular job.” Mothers everywhere will thank me. And any celebs caught flouting this law will be promptly slapped with a £10,000 fine, and all proceeds will go to single mums, both working and non, as a form of compensation for being so hugely insulted by rich and famous wankers who know fuck all about “regular” life, let alone “regular” mums.
I will introduce World Peace
I’m not saying I’m Ghandi or anything but I’m like, really into peace. Like Mahatma, I’m very against killing and war and stuff, so I’ll definitely be making that illegal at some point (obviously though, if some fucker threatens to put the price of petrol up I will of course, send a ton of people, most of whom without education or hope, to kick his, probably Middle Eastern, arse – so don’t you worry about that!) But what I am actually proposing here, on a slightly smaller scale, is a bit of peace for mums, every day, all around the world. Doesn’t have to be massive – I was thinking perhaps a five-minute silence as a mark of respect to allow mothers of all nationalities the chance to have some time to themselves. Yes, OK I’m talking about the right to a mother’s poo in peace. It’s a bit of a blog bear of mine, in fact. But isn’t that, albeit not very obviously, the beauty of it? No matter what our differences, mums everywhere, bowel movements providing, unite at the same time each day for a solo trip to the lavatory in ceasefire silence. Can you imagine? The Middle East conflict solved thanks to shit! I can see Coca-Cola using this in an advert, y’know…
I will initiate a sleep deficit tax
Forget the budget deficit – this is the real burning issue. No matter what the age of their children or how well their kids actually sleep, most mums struggle to get decent kip. So I’m suggesting that we take away some of the pain with a cash incentive – for the mother and the good of the UK. How it works is a bit like a student loan – so essentially, a debt amassed because we’re greedy fuckers extorting money because, y’know, we can. Every kid will be charged £1 for every hour they cost their mum in sleep and by the time their working, they will have to pay back a percentage to their mother and a proportion to the government – I reckon, say, 30% in Mum Tax, 70% to HMRC. We’re looking at trillions of pounds in revenue for the government (is now a good time to tell you that I had to retake my Maths GSCE?) And can you imagine how much better those 3ams with a teething child will be, or less stressful the hours lost for some poor mum because her teenage child got so hammered, he couldn’t remember the way home? Every hour will literally work towards a retirement fund, or a conservatory… Some pisser on Question Time will probably pick holes in this: “But how can you morally tax a baby, blah, blah, blah…?” But I can definitely take them. “Listen, Woman With A ’Tash,” I’ll say. “Screw you! I’m knackered!”
Anyway, that’s me manifesto – think that covers everything? Should my application be successful, I ought to let you know now that I’ll need to leave early on Thursdays to pick up Zain – he’s my two-year-old (ever so cute) – from nursery. Pete has football on Thursday evenings. Oh and I’ll need a week off right after the election for half term? We’re going to Sandy Balls. Have you been? If you haven’t, you and your associates probably shouldn’t get your hopes up – it’s not that sort of establishment.
Also, just in case you’re a bit judgey about a working mum, I should stress I plan to make the Dead Cheap Foreign Childcare my first act of parliament so with a Magda or Mojisola hopefully in situ soon after my move into Number Ten, I’ll be a bit more flexible – and let’s face it, about £20,000 richer. And I should add, once you’ve done a week’s worth of online Tesco shopping on your phone, while breastfeeding a baby and vacuuming a room – all in the space of about seven minutes – multi-tasking and making a working day productive really isn’t a problem for most mums…
Anyway, must dash. I want to make the library before it closes to return a few of Zain’s books. And when I say before it closes, I mean forever!
Lot of love,
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