1. Square Dad is stoically old before his time. Methodically rubbing his tinted-lens glasses with the ribbed waistband of his very brown crew-neck jumper, he’ll relay in unwavering, monotone detail a few of the ‘wackier’ birth highlights. These are as follows: having to abandon the snooker championships on telly, forgetting his Bear Grylls biography and almost turning left instead of right at the traffic lights just before the hospital, and immediately after the new trendy tapas place that used to be a bank.
Likely to say: “This baby-lark is a bit discombobulating, isn’t it? I only get about six hours of sleep with all the to-do from the baby, and I need at least eight before I can face my Weetabix. And also, I always have my tea at five thirty and yesterday, it was gone seven!”
2. New-Age Dad proudly sports a papoose, clutching his back with one hand and, like he’s nine months pregnant, rubbing his baby-laden belly with the other. He bangs on about parenting like he owns it and fiercely judges formula-feeding and disposable nappy-buying mums. He’s more annoying than Sting, chuggers and thrush.
Likely to say: “We had a completely unmedicated, home-birth, didn’t we Jemima? We just felt Jemima would bond so much better with the baby if she could actually feel baby Clarity ripping her body in two. And the patchouli bath I ran for her, along with the CD of African cooing doves, was way better than any drug – wasn’t it, Jemima? Jem..? Now, I thought we agreed with Dr Ganesha, darling? The baby picks up on the aggression when you middle-finger salute me like that…”
3. Hipster Dad wears chunky square glasses that look like they were doodled on his face in thick marker. He also has an inky blue and green sleeve of Celtic tats and cultivated facial hair you could hang washing off. Hipster Dad has a lot of meandering, self-conscious stuff to say about fatherhood packed full of casual cultural capital, referencing progressive heavy electro rock, the decline of kale and Stewart Lee – all for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Likely to say: “Becoming a father is like going into a second-hand record store and finding a really rare, US vinyl import you’ve spent years trying to track down. I mean, it’s that euphoric. We should talk more about this – do you fancy grabbing a jug of mead in The Wetherspoons? I just love how people are so real there.”
4. Dad-Joker Dad is partial to corny, toe-curling wordplay and crappy puns so dire, he makes Bobby Davro look edgy. He ‘double guns’ with each punchline, needily pauses for approving laughter and quotes Alan Partridge’s ‘back of the net’ without a trace of irony. His giddiness would be quite endearing if his jokes weren’t so incessant and well, shit.
Likely to say: “How does the baby smell? I dunno, through his nose I guess! Wahey! Do I think the baby has a nappy rash? Well, let’s not be rash about it! Badum-tish! Does my wife seem wiser to you, since giving birth? Hey, maybe she’s fact-tating? Ooh, that’s a good one – make sure you credit me when you use it…”
5. Professional Dad, is not a suited-and-booted city dad as he might sound. He’s a man whose entire identity is now given over to being a father. He’s so defined by it he practically drapes himself in muslins just nipping to the corner shop, like some sort of baby messiah spreading the word about procreation. Professional Dad is also very partial to a Facebook sentimental meme about fatherhood. Preferably one set against the backdrop of a beach at sunset with a father kissing a baby’s forehead, and a caption ordering his Facebook friends to share if they believe the mark of a good dad is sharing shit on Facebook.
Likely to say (A LOT): “People with kids just don’t understand.” [*unfriend*]
6. Lad dad is a bit of a geezer and proud of it. He likes to give the impression, especially in front of a posh dad, that he’s a ducker and diver living slightly outside the law. But actually, he’s a very reputable plumber – living just outside a very pretty market town once featured in The Times’s Top 50 Lovely Places to get a Chai Tea Latte.
Likely to say: “Don’t pay full price for nappy cream, yeah? I’ve got 150 tubs in the van. Well, actually I’ve got seven… picked them up at Costco with my trade membership… Anyway, better chip – taking this little tyke to baby craniosacral therapy – because, y’know, the um, misses insists. Wimmin, eh?”
7. Too-Cool-for-School Dad likes to rock up at nursery to collect his baby, like an indie frontman swaggering out on stage in front of his adoring fans at Wembley. He sports a ginormous parka, a spitty rollie dangling from his lip and a self-important attitude spawned from his trendy, useless job in telly. Yes, Too-Cool-for-School Dad is a bit of a tool.
Likely to say: “This is my kid [brandishes a child with similar Paul Weller-style matted hair], Hendrix – after Jimmy, obvs. Right, laters yeah? We’re off to Glasto. You don’t know where I could get some MDMA from, do you? What am I saying? Of course you don’t! You’re a MASSIVE loser!”
8. 4×4 Dad, a self-confessed petrolhead, will compare dealing with a nappy to a Grand Prix tyre-change, which essentially, after much forced, dull analogy, boils down to the need to be quick in case you get pissed or shat on. He was once the proud owner of an Audi, but when his wife fell pregnant, he decided to compensate forfeiting his beloved Pamela (after Anderson, obviously), with a car the size of a tank. 4×4 Dad also likes to talk a lot about sport as his means of making sure no other dad misconstrues him as a homosexual.
Likely to say: “So what’s your buggy like to drive? Alloy wheels? Suspension good? Hey, how kew-well would it be to get Top Gear to test-drive man-prams? Lapping round the precinct, taking out old ladies on mobility scooters…” [Does rock-fingers but with the wrong fingers]
That’s your lot. There are of course, many more types of lovely dad to take the piss out of, but all that pointing and laughing has exhausted me so I’m off for a lie down.
Ps my other half fits with none of these obviously. *averts eyes*
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