7 Ways to Celebrate Mother’s Day like a WILFUL TODDLER

"My need a poooo!" [Toddlers & Tiaras, TLC]

“My need a poooo!”
[Toddlers & Tiaras, TLC]

Mother’s Day is looming large and while talc, tulips and a box of Terry’s All Gold are all very lovely, perhaps you’re looking for ideas to spice up the festivities? Well, look no more! Here are seven ways to celebrate Mothering Sunday like a wilful toddler (you know, for the sheer hell of it), and with deconstructed fish fingers, tantrums and shit in the mix, it’s sure to be one to remember…

6 Piss-Easy Ways to do Romance Post-Kids

"Love off, Wayne! It's your turn to change Frogmella!" [Harry Enfield and Chums, BBC]

“Love off, Wayne! It’s your turn to change Frogmella!”
[Harry Enfield and Chums, BBC]

Valentine’s Day is a crock of shit, isn’t it? My single-girl past will never forgive the Hallmark holiday for subjecting me to years of skulking into an office on February 14th and visibly wincing as some knob trilled: “Did you get a card? Ah, n’mind! Here – have one of my 700 roses!” But it’s not just the humiliation I resent – it’s the stupidity of it all. Romance isn’t about a crappy card or awkwardly clutching hands in a posh restaurant. Real love, I believe, is about gestures that are far less showy and yet, way more meaningful. Here are my six piss-easy ways to do romance post-kids, without leaving the house. Dr Miriam Stoppard will be shitting herself…

12 Reasons to Celebrate Being a Mum in 2016

barbara royle

“Can we have less shit-talk in 2016, please?” [The Royle Family, BBC]

2016 is going to be YOUR year. How do I know? Well, I’m no psychic (because that would make me a liar), but I have looked into the future/ googled some 2016 dates and found 12 reasons for all mums to celebrate the year ahead. Conveniently, there is an entry for every month with a handy top tip a-piece to add to your diaries. How I’m not writing for fucking Bella, I don’t know… Enjoy! Here’s to twelve brilliant months that shit all over the ones in 2015…

8 Mum-Friend Types Sure to Piss You Off this Party Season

mum friend text.jpg

Planning a piss-up with a mum friend or two this Christmas? Anticipating the usual last-minute text blowing you out because of some kid-related reason? Bracing yourself for the mate drunk before she’s finished straightening her hair, because she’s forgotten fuck-all sleep and alcohol are not great mixers? Well, those mum mates are just a couple of a number likely to drive you to Baileys this Christmas. And I’ll confess, I am pretty much all of these mum-friend types (*hangs head in shame*), but before you write off a festive bender with me, I promise you, a mum friend is not just for Christmas – she’s for life…

1 sad mum in imaginary conversation with HOLLY WILLOUGHBY

Holly's dreams come true when she gets to interview ME!

Holly’s dreams come true when she gets to interview ME! [This Morning, ITV1]

Sometimes, when I’m enjoying a rare moment of peace, I think about Holly. Peppa or some doughnuts might be babysitting the kids while I gaze out the window, imagining myself on the This Morning couch enjoying a lovely chat and a lovely cup of (hot) tea with the lovely Holly Willoughby. Oh, and Phillip…

6 things a mum-to-be REALLY needs to do

Yes, that's very lovely, but could you hurry up? I'd like an unhurried dump...

Yes, that’s very lovely, but could you hurry up? I’d like an unhurried dump… [Nine Months, 20th Century Fox]

Nursery decorated – check! Maternity bras – check! Every conceivable baby-related thing going (most of which you won’t need) – check! So now, Mum-to-be, it’s time to turn our attentions to you. And I’m not referring to panty pads and rubber rings. This is the stuff that really matters – a sort of pre-baby bucket list if you like, of six things you will later be hugely glad you took the time to revel in every last drop of. You’re probably already bracing yourself for the obvious niceties you’ll miss like sleep and a leisurely piss – so this is the stuff that could otherwise engulf you, when your world suddenly feels uncontrollable. And before you shit your pants Mum-to-be, let me say this – there’s no doubt about it, love is about to overwhelm you like never before and while this shit might not matter in the great scheme of things, it can matter (because, you know, you’re human), when the shit, sometimes literally, hits the fan. But that’s enough shit-talk. Take a deep breath, read – and thank me later…

9 Open Mummy Letters to Some Famous People

Lovely, lovely Holly... *sigh*

Lovely, lovely Holly… *sigh* [This Morning, ITV1]

These days it seems, a celebrity only has to miss her period and mum bloggers are jostling to be the first to a write an open letter to her foetus. While I am generally not a fan of them, open letters are clearly mandatory in the blogging world and I don’t want to be known as ‘that blogger’ with her head so far up her arse, she never took the time to dish out unsolicited advice and opinion to someone she doesn’t actually know. So I have written nine mini open ‘mummy’ letters to some celebrities, in a bid to secure some respect…

8 Signs You’re a Mum in Need of a Holiday

When Carol Brady started wondering if Mummy and Daddy Pig shagged much, she knew it was time for a break...

When Carol Brady started wondering if Mummy and Daddy Pig shagged much, she knew it was time for a break… [The Brady Bunch, ABC]

Since becoming a mum, is your idea of a break a solo trip to the loo and enough time to cut your toenails? Do you feel positively Mediterranean slinging a bit of feta in your shopping trolley, and having a siesta (or rather passing out from exhaustion), on the couch while the kids nap? It could be you are suffering from a well-known condition called MINOAH – Mum In Need Of A Holiday. Don’t worry, it’s not serious (in fact it’s entirely made up for the purposes of a blog post), but urgent treatment is required – sun, sea and a shitload of wine. In case you are still unsure you have it, here are eight more symptoms of MINOAH…

7 signs your house is ruled by a TODDLER TYRANT!

honey i blew up the kid2

“My want JUICE!” [Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, Walt Disney Pictures]

Has your home become toddler-occupied territory? Do you live within no-go zones changeable on a daily basis? Are orders frequently barked at you? “Don’t sing!” “Stop talking!” No laughing!” It’s likely the toddler Taliban took up residence somewhere between the second and third birthday, and I’m afraid Amnesty and the UN are unable to help. There are just too many of them and in case it has escaped your notice, their will is terrifyingly strong. But we can stick together – laughing manically like the women on the verge we are. So in the spirit of misery loving a bit of company, here are seven signs you are living under a toddler tyranny…

5 reasons why a working mum is quite handy in an office

Does this baby go with this M&S outfit?

Does this baby go with this M&S outfit? [Baby Boom, United Artists]

You can spot a woman back from maternity leave a mile off. She’ll be the one with bleary, tear-streaked eyes, clutching and sentimentally sniffing a crusty muslin she’d forgotten about in her deep-pocketed, middle-aged coat. But before you give her a wide berth (no sad dad jokes please), for fear she’ll brandish pictures of her kids like a slightly aggressive fella forcefully selling The Big Issue, this woman should be respected. Don’t let the misjudged, mumsy M&S back-to-work outfit fool you – she has more skill than Alan Sugar can shake a crooked ‘you’re fired’ finger at. Here are five EXCELLENT reasons why every office needs more working mums…