5 Reasons NOT to Lose Your Shit Over a Primary School Choice

Chill out, love - you can always appeal... [Psycho, Paramount Pictures]

Chill out, love – you can always appeal…
[Psycho, Paramount Pictures]

Today your Facebook feed will no doubt be littered with people celebrating and lamenting the primary school places awarded to their children. At the time of writing, I don’t know if my four-year-old will be placed with our first-choice primary school and while I would ideally like to send him to a non-religious school (because, for me, there’s nowt scarier than a small kid declaring that Jesus loves you), I refuse to be drawn into the hysteria. With or without a religious assembly and the odd bit of bible-bashing, I believe we will all be fine.

If your primary school news has left you feeling a bit blue, I truly commend you for caring so much – and of course, there are many wide and varied reasons for becoming impassioned about it. But, presuming your needs are typical and the school awarded is not so chronically troubled your kid’s future is entirely fucked, perhaps I may assist you in a little perspective with the five points below…

8 New Dads to Blank on Paternity Leave

Lovely Tom Selleck, the original Hipster Dad... [Three Men and a Baby, Walt Disney Studios]

Lovely Tom Selleck, the original Hipster Dad…
[Three Men and a Baby, Walt Disney Studios]

Who’s in the mood for some futile stereotypes for a cheap and cheeky laugh? I am! And if you’ve read a blog post of mine before, you won’t be surprised to hear that. I started my blog over a year ago with 7 Types of Mum to Avoid on Maternity Leave and in the interests of being politically correct and spreading my scorn fairly between the sexes, I have outlined below eight types of dad to blank on paternity leave. Remember, I am a self-confessed more-mature-neurotic-mum, so stereotyping other people is completely fine…

7 Ways to Celebrate Mother’s Day like a WILFUL TODDLER

"My need a poooo!" [Toddlers & Tiaras, TLC]

“My need a poooo!”
[Toddlers & Tiaras, TLC]

Mother’s Day is looming large and while talc, tulips and a box of Terry’s All Gold are all very lovely, perhaps you’re looking for ideas to spice up the festivities? Well, look no more! Here are seven ways to celebrate Mothering Sunday like a wilful toddler (you know, for the sheer hell of it), and with deconstructed fish fingers, tantrums and shit in the mix, it’s sure to be one to remember…

6 Piss-Easy Ways to do Romance Post-Kids

"Love off, Wayne! It's your turn to change Frogmella!" [Harry Enfield and Chums, BBC]

“Love off, Wayne! It’s your turn to change Frogmella!”
[Harry Enfield and Chums, BBC]

Valentine’s Day is a crock of shit, isn’t it? My single-girl past will never forgive the Hallmark holiday for subjecting me to years of skulking into an office on February 14th and visibly wincing as some knob trilled: “Did you get a card? Ah, n’mind! Here – have one of my 700 roses!” But it’s not just the humiliation I resent – it’s the stupidity of it all. Romance isn’t about a crappy card or awkwardly clutching hands in a posh restaurant. Real love, I believe, is about gestures that are far less showy and yet, way more meaningful. Here are my six piss-easy ways to do romance post-kids, without leaving the house. Dr Miriam Stoppard will be shitting herself…

12 Reasons to Celebrate Being a Mum in 2016

barbara royle

“Can we have less shit-talk in 2016, please?” [The Royle Family, BBC]

2016 is going to be YOUR year. How do I know? Well, I’m no psychic (because that would make me a liar), but I have looked into the future/ googled some 2016 dates and found 12 reasons for all mums to celebrate the year ahead. Conveniently, there is an entry for every month with a handy top tip a-piece to add to your diaries. How I’m not writing for fucking Bella, I don’t know… Enjoy! Here’s to twelve brilliant months that shit all over the ones in 2015…

8 Mum-Friend Types Sure to Piss You Off this Party Season

mum friend text.jpg

Planning a piss-up with a mum friend or two this Christmas? Anticipating the usual last-minute text blowing you out because of some kid-related reason? Bracing yourself for the mate drunk before she’s finished straightening her hair, because she’s forgotten fuck-all sleep and alcohol are not great mixers? Well, those mum mates are just a couple of a number likely to drive you to Baileys this Christmas. And I’ll confess, I am pretty much all of these mum-friend types (*hangs head in shame*), but before you write off a festive bender with me, I promise you, a mum friend is not just for Christmas – she’s for life…

1 sad mum in imaginary conversation with HOLLY WILLOUGHBY

Holly's dreams come true when she gets to interview ME!

Holly’s dreams come true when she gets to interview ME! [This Morning, ITV1]

Sometimes, when I’m enjoying a rare moment of peace, I think about Holly. Peppa or some doughnuts might be babysitting the kids while I gaze out the window, imagining myself on the This Morning couch enjoying a lovely chat and a lovely cup of (hot) tea with the lovely Holly Willoughby. Oh, and Phillip…

6 things a mum-to-be REALLY needs to do

Yes, that's very lovely, but could you hurry up? I'd like an unhurried dump...

Yes, that’s very lovely, but could you hurry up? I’d like an unhurried dump… [Nine Months, 20th Century Fox]

Nursery decorated – check! Maternity bras – check! Every conceivable baby-related thing going (most of which you won’t need) – check! So now, Mum-to-be, it’s time to turn our attentions to you. And I’m not referring to panty pads and rubber rings. This is the stuff that really matters – a sort of pre-baby bucket list if you like, of six things you will later be hugely glad you took the time to revel in every last drop of. You’re probably already bracing yourself for the obvious niceties you’ll miss like sleep and a leisurely piss – so this is the stuff that could otherwise engulf you, when your world suddenly feels uncontrollable. And before you shit your pants Mum-to-be, let me say this – there’s no doubt about it, love is about to overwhelm you like never before and while this shit might not matter in the great scheme of things, it can matter (because, you know, you’re human), when the shit, sometimes literally, hits the fan. But that’s enough shit-talk. Take a deep breath, read – and thank me later…

9 Open Mummy Letters to Some Famous People

Lovely, lovely Holly... *sigh*

Lovely, lovely Holly… *sigh* [This Morning, ITV1]

These days it seems, a celebrity only has to miss her period and mum bloggers are jostling to be the first to a write an open letter to her foetus. While I am generally not a fan of them, open letters are clearly mandatory in the blogging world and I don’t want to be known as ‘that blogger’ with her head so far up her arse, she never took the time to dish out unsolicited advice and opinion to someone she doesn’t actually know. So I have written nine mini open ‘mummy’ letters to some celebrities, in a bid to secure some respect…

8 Signs You’re a Mum in Need of a Holiday

When Carol Brady started wondering if Mummy and Daddy Pig shagged much, she knew it was time for a break...

When Carol Brady started wondering if Mummy and Daddy Pig shagged much, she knew it was time for a break… [The Brady Bunch, ABC]

Since becoming a mum, is your idea of a break a solo trip to the loo and enough time to cut your toenails? Do you feel positively Mediterranean slinging a bit of feta in your shopping trolley, and having a siesta (or rather passing out from exhaustion), on the couch while the kids nap? It could be you are suffering from a well-known condition called MINOAH – Mum In Need Of A Holiday. Don’t worry, it’s not serious (in fact it’s entirely made up for the purposes of a blog post), but urgent treatment is required – sun, sea and a shitload of wine. In case you are still unsure you have it, here are eight more symptoms of MINOAH…