How not to piss off a toddler

My NOT Pete Docherty!

My NOT Pete Docherty!

After my two-and-half-year-old son Zain had yet another monumental, meteoric meltdown, sparked this time by the wrong colour of spoon for his mashed potato, I approached his jungle-themed lair tentatively. I asked if he’d care to enlighten me as to what turns an otherwise sunny, funny toddler into an angry, irrational African dictator – just so I might not reoffend again. After a quiet moment of reflection arranging his stuffed elephants in order of preference, Zain gave me a fleeting glance and told me to pull up a beanbag. “Listen Mummy, I don’t make the rules,’ he said, twirling the trunk of his favoured elephant the way a Bond villain might. “I’m two for Peppa’s sake! It’s the way we roll. But as I’m feeling generous, I think I can help a little…” He then shared with me his top tantrum-curtailing tips. I took notes so I might share these with you. It’s true what they say, kids are mean. We need to stick together…

10 Myths about motherhood – BUSTED!

Laugh it up! She is YOU!

Laugh it up! She is YOU! [Harry Enfield and Chums, BBC]

Expecting your first baby in 2015? Congratulations! Now stop reading. I have wisdom – well OK, bile – I’d like to impart and I don’t want to scare you. There are some myths and misapprehensions about motherhood I feel need addressing so if you don’t want the truth, look away now. Still here? OK then, I guess I’d better find some positive stuff to say too to soften the blow…

7 TYPES OF MUM TO AVOID ON MATERNITY LEAVE

Ma Walton does not approve of controlled crying... [The Waltons, CBS]

Ma Walton does not approve of controlled crying…
[The Waltons, CBS]

Maternity leave is a minefield. Rhyme Time, coffee mornings, NCT meet-ups – whatever your choice of baby group, it can all become as tribal as the playground. As this is my second time on maternity leave, I’ve had my fair share of exhausting conversations with women I only really have motherhood as common ground. So, in case it’s useful, or like me you just enjoy the occasional judgemental laugh, I thought I’d share seven types of mum you might want to avoid arranging too many play dates with…