Virtuous mums around the world are today reeling from the shock news that breastfeeding will not make them saviours of the human race.

The extensive studies, carried out by the BMA, found conclusively that lactating women showed no signs whatsoever, of being able to walk on water, or heal the lame.

“I absolutely dispute this,” said 39-year-old Jane, while breastfeeding her seven-year-old in the menswear department of a busy John Lewis. “Why else would I feel this superior to everyone else in the whole wide world? And my brelfies have earnt me 2,305 followers on Instagram. That’s 2,293 more than Jesus.”

Others greeted the revelation with delight. “Well, I welcome the news,” said Mr Davidson, a cockney former comedian currently signing on. “’Ow comes it’s only the old, fat ones with tatty tits what wop em out? Fackin’ lesbians! Me mum never titted me, and it never did me no ’arm!”

Medics have reassured smug mums they will still get to bleat, ‘breast is best’ at their chavvy bottle-feeding counterparts. However, their assurances are little comfort to some mums, including stay-at-home mother-of-three Sarah, who sobbed: “I just really, really wanted to turn water into wine…”

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