Archive for the ‘mums’ category

  1. Dear New Mum, please blank the insta-fashion wankers…

    Dear New Mum, I haven’t written to you before, as I felt, since the rise of the angry mum blogger (a movement in which I’m loud and proud, New Mum), you’ve been a little bombarded with communication. Many of us have taken to the internet in collective reassurance having seen you looking pissed off in […]
  2. #MumMoron

    OK, I’ll admit it. Since having kids, I have committed many social media ‘crimes’, among them: filling my timeline with baby spam, ranting about not sleeping and of course, the biggest Internet sin, starting a mum blog (yeah, sorry about). However, in this digital age of many, many types of Internet twat, I’m very proud […]
  3. SUPERMARKETS PREDICT MASS WINE SALES OVER NEXT FIVE DAYS

    The UK’s leading supermarket chains are forecasting a huge hike in wine trade, during the forthcoming week. “Based on previous wine sales around this time of year, we have imported three times more than normal to prep for the expected surge,” explained Van White, Asda’s Senior Wine Buyer. “It’s incredible – by 9am the alcohol […]
  4. Celeb mum still to shed four whole pounds – DAYS after giving birth

    Lotta Cleevedge, star of The Only Way is Maidenhead, stunned onlookers at a shopping centre when she was spotted sporting a slightly thicker midriff – SIX DAYS after giving birth. “She had sunglasses on and was trying to hide behind a Sudocrem display at Mothercare, but it was definitely her,” said shopper Bet Judgy, while […]
  5. MUM OF ONE AWARDED OBE

    A 35-year-old mother of an only child has received an OBE for her services to parenting. “I’m thrilled to be bestowed with such an honour,” said Debbie Hargreaves, mum to six-year-old Gemma. “Friends are always grateful when I offer a bit of advice, or share my vast experience with them. I’ve been a mother for […]
  6. “BREASTFEEDING YOUR CHILD DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE MESSIAH,” WARN MEDICS

    Virtuous mums around the world are today reeling from the shock news that breastfeeding will not make them saviours of the human race. The extensive studies, carried out by the BMA, found conclusively that lactating women showed no signs whatsoever, of being able to walk on water, or heal the lame. “I absolutely dispute this,” […]
  7. Obituaries: RIP My Perky Rack

    Notorious norks and one-time toast of London, My Perky Rack has died aged 31 years old. Born around 1986, My Perky Rack burst its way into the world, a budding, bouncy bosom necessitating a contortionist-like change for many a PE class. During the course of My Perky Rack’s lifetime, it attended parties, sported some nice […]
  8. MUM PLEADS GUILTY TO SHAM LIFE ON INSTAGRAM

    A mother of two from Walthamstow, east London, today admitted her life on Instagram, with over 80,000 followers, is a complete and utter lie. Before a packed forum on Mumsnet, mum Serena Dubois was forced to confess as a number of allegations were hurled at her by irate women; all very liberal with the angry […]
  9. Word to the New Mothers

    A troll once informed me, among other uglier, slightly more menacing insults, that she found my blog, glib. I’ll take that, I thought. Clearly I threaten the careers of Dear Deirdre and Dr Miriam Stoppard in no way whatsoever, but if it’s a few juvenile jokes about being a knackered mum, or much reference to […]
  10. 7 Christmas Pissers to Drive a Mum to BOOZE

    Do you sometimes find yourself a little narky this festive time of year? Hard to believe, but I know I can get a tad tetchy. I’m not talking the usual stresses here, like the pine needles filling up your Hoover bag, or trying to locate the end of the Sellotape. Years of experience and many-a […]