Archive for the ‘new mum’ category

  1. Dear New Mum, please blank the insta-fashion wankers…

    Dear New Mum, I haven’t written to you before, as I felt, since the rise of the angry mum blogger (a movement in which I’m loud and proud, New Mum), you’ve been a little bombarded with communication. Many of us have taken to the internet in collective reassurance having seen you looking pissed off in […]
  2. #MumMoron

    OK, I’ll admit it. Since having kids, I have committed many social media ‘crimes’, among them: filling my timeline with baby spam, ranting about not sleeping and of course, the biggest Internet sin, starting a mum blog (yeah, sorry about). However, in this digital age of many, many types of Internet twat, I’m very proud […]
  3. Celeb mum still to shed four whole pounds – DAYS after giving birth

    Lotta Cleevedge, star of The Only Way is Maidenhead, stunned onlookers at a shopping centre when she was spotted sporting a slightly thicker midriff – SIX DAYS after giving birth. “She had sunglasses on and was trying to hide behind a Sudocrem display at Mothercare, but it was definitely her,” said shopper Bet Judgy, while […]
  4. “BREASTFEEDING YOUR CHILD DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE MESSIAH,” WARN MEDICS

    Virtuous mums around the world are today reeling from the shock news that breastfeeding will not make them saviours of the human race. The extensive studies, carried out by the BMA, found conclusively that lactating women showed no signs whatsoever, of being able to walk on water, or heal the lame. “I absolutely dispute this,” […]
  5. MUM PLEADS GUILTY TO SHAM LIFE ON INSTAGRAM

    A mother of two from Walthamstow, east London, today admitted her life on Instagram, with over 80,000 followers, is a complete and utter lie. Before a packed forum on Mumsnet, mum Serena Dubois was forced to confess as a number of allegations were hurled at her by irate women; all very liberal with the angry […]
  6. Word to the New Mothers

    A troll once informed me, among other uglier, slightly more menacing insults, that she found my blog, glib. I’ll take that, I thought. Clearly I threaten the careers of Dear Deirdre and Dr Miriam Stoppard in no way whatsoever, but if it’s a few juvenile jokes about being a knackered mum, or much reference to […]
  7. 7 Christmas Pissers to Drive a Mum to BOOZE

    Do you sometimes find yourself a little narky this festive time of year? Hard to believe, but I know I can get a tad tetchy. I’m not talking the usual stresses here, like the pine needles filling up your Hoover bag, or trying to locate the end of the Sellotape. Years of experience and many-a […]
  8. 8 Myths About a ‘More Mature’ Mum that can DO ONE!

    Whenever a debate rages in the press about women over 35 getting pregnant and giving birth, it’s like a few slack hacks and gobshites cut and paste the same knackered notion that a bunch of shoulder-padded women have deliberately and selfishly delayed motherhood. The latest to erupt the wrath is actress Tina Malone (her off […]
  9. 7 Easy Steps to Becoming a Mummy-Blogging BORE

    Partial to a parenting post? I know I am! I like the ones with swear words and gin in, best – but that’s because I am a massive mum-blogging bore. There are legions of us now. We have evolved from quintessential mummies narrating the journeys of our cute kids, into ‘frank’, ‘honest’, ‘normal’ mums, a […]
  10. 12 Things You Should ALWAYS Say To A New Mum

    You need to tread carefully around a first-time mum. Say the wrong thing and you could find yourself more unpopular than a bottle of formula at a breastfeeding support group. And as there’s plenty of stuff out there advising on the things you should never say to a new mum, I thought I’d be really […]