8 Myths About a ‘More Mature’ Mum that can DO ONE!

Nothing more embarrassing than an older mum waving her kid off at the school gate... 'The Visit', Universal Studios

Nothing more embarrassing than an older mum waving her kid off at the school gate…
‘The Visit’, Universal Studios

Whenever a debate rages in the press about women over 35 getting pregnant and giving birth, it’s like a few slack hacks and gobshites cut and paste the same knackered notion that a bunch of shoulder-padded women have deliberately and selfishly delayed motherhood.

The latest to erupt the wrath is actress Tina Malone (her off Shameless), who gave birth at 50 and announced on Loose Women recently that she plans to have another, now at the age of 53. As you can imagine, the comments section of the Daily Mail was teeming with readers keen to congratulate her and not in any way suggest she’s an egocentric trollop whose withered wrists should be hung in stocks. Likewise, when reports came out that Janet Jackson is pregnant with her first at 49, columnist Amanda Platell railed that the singer was “pedalling false hope” and encouraging career-driven women to defer their motherhood plans. And of course, regular older-mum basher, Kirstie Allsopp can’t seem to keep her trap shut on the matter, urging, without any sort of invitation, that women cram in as many babies as they can in their twenties. She even admitted that she would advise any daughter of her own to forfeit ideas of going to university, for motherhood. (So, yeah, Malala Yousafzai, Taliban-tackler, Nobel Laureate and activist for female education – wind your neck in!)

Of course, I would never dream of undermining cold, hard medical facts. But I do take exception to lazy, musty journalism and rent-a-gobs who spew ridiculous comment. And let’s be honest, no one appears to be putting the celeb dad likes of Simon Cowell and Rod Stewart (who had his eighth child in his late 60s), under the same mean, accusatory scrutiny.

I gave birth to my first when I was 39-years-old and second, at 41, so I’ll admit to having the small hump with reading the same recycled guff when it comes to matters of ‘more mature’ mums. So, I’d like to tackle some of these myths – and make a polite request that they now do one…

10 reasons why my dad is BRILLIANT

My pop is lush.

My pop is lush.

There are dads, and then there is my dad. We’re not talking some run-of-the-mill, bad-dancing dad here, cracking predictable jokes, unable to drink tea from anything other than his special mug (although, all those things are true). He’s truly unique. He’s so funny, both intentionally and inadvertently, he makes Will Ferrell look a little melancholy. He’s so generous, he makes Bill Gates look a bit tight-fisted. He’s so big-hearted, he makes Florence Nightingale look a right bitch. You get the gist.

There are billions of reasons why my dad is brilliant. Below, are just ten of them…

7 Easy Steps to Becoming a Mummy-Blogging BORE

Fuck, I'm bored! Think I'll become a mummy blogger... [Married with Children, Fox TV]

Fuck, I’m bored! Think I’ll become a mummy blogger…
[Married with Children, Fox TV]

Partial to a parenting post? I know I am! I like the ones with swear words and gin in, best – but that’s because I am a massive mum-blogging bore. There are legions of us now. We have evolved from quintessential mummies narrating the journeys of our cute kids, into ‘frank’, ‘honest’, ‘normal’ mums, a bit liberal with the eff word. We propelled ourselves onto the internet claiming to be the ‘antitheses’ and ‘antidotes’ to the likes of BabyCentre and Mother & Baby, whose depictions of motherhood rarely include a booze-loving mum hiding in the loo, supressing a scream. In fact, there are so many of us now, detonating mum-truth bombs all over the internet, that, dare I say, it’s clear there is a small formula emerging.
So, if you fancy becoming a mummy-blogging bore, I can walk you through the process? In just seven easy steps, you too can be a self-appointed mum guru banging on about how candid you are…

5 Reasons NOT to Lose Your Shit Over a Primary School Choice

Chill out, love - you can always appeal... [Psycho, Paramount Pictures]

Chill out, love – you can always appeal…
[Psycho, Paramount Pictures]

Today your Facebook feed will no doubt be littered with people celebrating and lamenting the primary school places awarded to their children. At the time of writing, I don’t know if my four-year-old will be placed with our first-choice primary school and while I would ideally like to send him to a non-religious school (because, for me, there’s nowt scarier than a small kid declaring that Jesus loves you), I refuse to be drawn into the hysteria. With or without a religious assembly and the odd bit of bible-bashing, I believe we will all be fine.

If your primary school news has left you feeling a bit blue, I truly commend you for caring so much – and of course, there are many wide and varied reasons for becoming impassioned about it. But, presuming your needs are typical and the school awarded is not so chronically troubled your kid’s future is entirely fucked, perhaps I may assist you in a little perspective with the five points below…

8 New Dads to Blank on Paternity Leave

Lovely Tom Selleck, the original Hipster Dad... [Three Men and a Baby, Walt Disney Studios]

Lovely Tom Selleck, the original Hipster Dad…
[Three Men and a Baby, Walt Disney Studios]

Who’s in the mood for some futile stereotypes for a cheap and cheeky laugh? I am! And if you’ve read a blog post of mine before, you won’t be surprised to hear that. I started my blog over a year ago with 7 Types of Mum to Avoid on Maternity Leave and in the interests of being politically correct and spreading my scorn fairly between the sexes, I have outlined below eight types of dad to blank on paternity leave. Remember, I am a self-confessed more-mature-neurotic-mum, so stereotyping other people is completely fine…

7 Ways to Celebrate Mother’s Day like a WILFUL TODDLER

"My need a poooo!" [Toddlers & Tiaras, TLC]

“My need a poooo!”
[Toddlers & Tiaras, TLC]

Mother’s Day is looming large and while talc, tulips and a box of Terry’s All Gold are all very lovely, perhaps you’re looking for ideas to spice up the festivities? Well, look no more! Here are seven ways to celebrate Mothering Sunday like a wilful toddler (you know, for the sheer hell of it), and with deconstructed fish fingers, tantrums and shit in the mix, it’s sure to be one to remember…

6 Piss-Easy Ways to do Romance Post-Kids

"Love off, Wayne! It's your turn to change Frogmella!" [Harry Enfield and Chums, BBC]

“Love off, Wayne! It’s your turn to change Frogmella!”
[Harry Enfield and Chums, BBC]

Valentine’s Day is a crock of shit, isn’t it? My single-girl past will never forgive the Hallmark holiday for subjecting me to years of skulking into an office on February 14th and visibly wincing as some knob trilled: “Did you get a card? Ah, n’mind! Here – have one of my 700 roses!” But it’s not just the humiliation I resent – it’s the stupidity of it all. Romance isn’t about a crappy card or awkwardly clutching hands in a posh restaurant. Real love, I believe, is about gestures that are far less showy and yet, way more meaningful. Here are my six piss-easy ways to do romance post-kids, without leaving the house. Dr Miriam Stoppard will be shitting herself…

12 Reasons to Celebrate Being a Mum in 2016

barbara royle

“Can we have less shit-talk in 2016, please?” [The Royle Family, BBC]

2016 is going to be YOUR year. How do I know? Well, I’m no psychic (because that would make me a liar), but I have looked into the future/ googled some 2016 dates and found 12 reasons for all mums to celebrate the year ahead. Conveniently, there is an entry for every month with a handy top tip a-piece to add to your diaries. How I’m not writing for fucking Bella, I don’t know… Enjoy! Here’s to twelve brilliant months that shit all over the ones in 2015…

8 Mum-Friend Types Sure to Piss You Off this Party Season

mum friend text.jpg

Planning a piss-up with a mum friend or two this Christmas? Anticipating the usual last-minute text blowing you out because of some kid-related reason? Bracing yourself for the mate drunk before she’s finished straightening her hair, because she’s forgotten fuck-all sleep and alcohol are not great mixers? Well, those mum mates are just a couple of a number likely to drive you to Baileys this Christmas. And I’ll confess, I am pretty much all of these mum-friend types (*hangs head in shame*), but before you write off a festive bender with me, I promise you, a mum friend is not just for Christmas – she’s for life…

1 sad mum in imaginary conversation with HOLLY WILLOUGHBY

Holly's dreams come true when she gets to interview ME!

Holly’s dreams come true when she gets to interview ME! [This Morning, ITV1]

Sometimes, when I’m enjoying a rare moment of peace, I think about Holly. Peppa or some doughnuts might be babysitting the kids while I gaze out the window, imagining myself on the This Morning couch enjoying a lovely chat and a lovely cup of (hot) tea with the lovely Holly Willoughby. Oh, and Phillip…