6 things a mum-to-be REALLY needs to do

Yes, that's very lovely, but could you hurry up? I'd like an unhurried dump...

Yes, that’s very lovely, but could you hurry up? I’d like an unhurried dump… [Nine Months, 20th Century Fox]

Nursery decorated – check! Maternity bras – check! Every conceivable baby-related thing going (most of which you won’t need) – check! So now, Mum-to-be, it’s time to turn our attentions to you. And I’m not referring to panty pads and rubber rings. This is the stuff that really matters – a sort of pre-baby bucket list if you like, of six things you will later be hugely glad you took the time to revel in every last drop of. You’re probably already bracing yourself for the obvious niceties you’ll miss like sleep and a leisurely piss – so this is the stuff that could otherwise engulf you, when your world suddenly feels uncontrollable. And before you shit your pants Mum-to-be, let me say this – there’s no doubt about it, love is about to overwhelm you like never before and while this shit might not matter in the great scheme of things, it can matter (because, you know, you’re human), when the shit, sometimes literally, hits the fan. But that’s enough shit-talk. Take a deep breath, read – and thank me later…

9 Open Mummy Letters to Some Famous People

Lovely, lovely Holly... *sigh*

Lovely, lovely Holly… *sigh* [This Morning, ITV1]

These days it seems, a celebrity only has to miss her period and mum bloggers are jostling to be the first to a write an open letter to her foetus. While I am generally not a fan of them, open letters are clearly mandatory in the blogging world and I don’t want to be known as ‘that blogger’ with her head so far up her arse, she never took the time to dish out unsolicited advice and opinion to someone she doesn’t actually know. So I have written nine mini open ‘mummy’ letters to some celebrities, in a bid to secure some respect…

8 Signs You’re a Mum in Need of a Holiday

When Carol Brady started wondering if Mummy and Daddy Pig shagged much, she knew it was time for a break...

When Carol Brady started wondering if Mummy and Daddy Pig shagged much, she knew it was time for a break… [The Brady Bunch, ABC]

Since becoming a mum, is your idea of a break a solo trip to the loo and enough time to cut your toenails? Do you feel positively Mediterranean slinging a bit of feta in your shopping trolley, and having a siesta (or rather passing out from exhaustion), on the couch while the kids nap? It could be you are suffering from a well-known condition called MINOAH – Mum In Need Of A Holiday. Don’t worry, it’s not serious (in fact it’s entirely made up for the purposes of a blog post), but urgent treatment is required – sun, sea and a shitload of wine. In case you are still unsure you have it, here are eight more symptoms of MINOAH…

7 signs your house is ruled by a TODDLER TYRANT!

honey i blew up the kid2

“My want JUICE!” [Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, Walt Disney Pictures]

Has your home become toddler-occupied territory? Do you live within no-go zones changeable on a daily basis? Are orders frequently barked at you? “Don’t sing!” “Stop talking!” No laughing!” It’s likely the toddler Taliban took up residence somewhere between the second and third birthday, and I’m afraid Amnesty and the UN are unable to help. There are just too many of them and in case it has escaped your notice, their will is terrifyingly strong. But we can stick together – laughing manically like the women on the verge we are. So in the spirit of misery loving a bit of company, here are seven signs you are living under a toddler tyranny…

5 reasons why a working mum is quite handy in an office

Does this baby go with this M&S outfit?

Does this baby go with this M&S outfit? [Baby Boom, United Artists]

You can spot a woman back from maternity leave a mile off. She’ll be the one with bleary, tear-streaked eyes, clutching and sentimentally sniffing a crusty muslin she’d forgotten about in her deep-pocketed, middle-aged coat. But before you give her a wide berth (no sad dad jokes please), for fear she’ll brandish pictures of her kids like a slightly aggressive fella forcefully selling The Big Issue, this woman should be respected. Don’t let the misjudged, mumsy M&S back-to-work outfit fool you – she has more skill than Alan Sugar can shake a crooked ‘you’re fired’ finger at. Here are five EXCELLENT reasons why every office needs more working mums…

5 tv mums we’d vote for in a general election!


Meet the Stone Lady… [The Flintstones, ABC]

Apparently, there is a general election in the UK looming! Yes, you heard it here first. But according to recent reports, many mums are still undecided about which way to vote on May 7th.  Well, maybe if these five marvellous matriarchs were in the running for Number Ten, mums wouldn’t be so stuck…

MAMA WALTON from The Waltons
Leadership-style: Gentle and softly-spoken, Mama Walton wouldn’t be the sort to aggressively karate-chop the palm of her hand for emphasis while delivering speeches. Her political demeanour would be far more mild-mannered. But make no mistake, any parliamentary heckling would be met with the same sort of disappointed gaze she’d reserve for Mary Ellen if she toyed with the idea of raising her hemline an inch – followed by a stern, “G’night backbench-boy…”

5 reasons all mums should vote for ME!

Must remember to get my post redirected to my new address…

Dear People at the Houses of Parliament

If it’s not too late, I’d like to submit my application for the role of Prime Minister in the forthcoming general election, please? I read recently in my copy of Bella magazine that the ‘school run mum’ vote is still up for grabs, with many mums undecided about which way to vote. Well, as a mother of two and mum blogger, I’m obviously a bit of an expert in this area. As you will see from my very sophisticated and hugely extensive five-point manifesto laid out below, I definitely know what mums want and think you’ll agree, I’ve got this baby in the bag (ooh, that’s good, I might use that in a speech somewhere…)

8 Mother’s Day gifts WAY better than bath salts

Mrs Cunningham always had a hankering for an OJ after a doobie

Mrs Cunningham always had a hankering for an OJ after a doobie [Happy Days, ABC]

Stop! Step away from the petrol station! That last-in-the-bucket bouquet and hastily lunch hour-bought bubble bath will not cut it this Mother’s Day. If you want to show a mum REAL thought, give her back a little of the simple luxuries she enjoyed pre-kids, and best of all, it doesn’t cost much money at all. It’s true, the best things in life are free – except drugs, they’re quite expensive – so here are eight (almost free) gift ideas guaranteed to be met with gratitude by the old girl…

12 Things You Should ALWAYS Say To A New Mum

"Yes Darrin, I do believe the Virgin Mary would be well jel of how serenely I handle Baby Tabitha..."

“Yes Darrin, I do believe the Virgin Mary would be well jel of how serenely I handle Baby Tabitha…” [Bewitched, ABC]

You need to tread carefully around a first-time mum. Say the wrong thing and you could find yourself more unpopular than a bottle of formula at a breastfeeding support group. And as there’s plenty of stuff out there advising on the things you should never say to a new mum, I thought I’d be really clever and do the opposite, putting a positive spin on the negatives; thus pretending that, unlike the impression you might get from my other blog posts so far, I’m a really sunny person. Well, actually you won’t get that impression from this one either. Nevertheless, I have more top tips to share, this time for the beleaguered family and friends of a new mother, who might otherwise unwittingly detonate a post-baby bomb with the wrong choice of words/ tone/ slightly sideways glance. So here they are – 12 things you should ALWAYS say to a new mum…

How not to piss off a toddler

My NOT Pete Docherty!

My NOT Pete Docherty!

After my two-and-half-year-old son Zain had yet another monumental, meteoric meltdown, sparked this time by the wrong colour of spoon for his mashed potato, I approached his jungle-themed lair tentatively. I asked if he’d care to enlighten me as to what turns an otherwise sunny, funny toddler into an angry, irrational African dictator – just so I might not reoffend again. After a quiet moment of reflection arranging his stuffed elephants in order of preference, Zain gave me a fleeting glance and told me to pull up a beanbag. “Listen Mummy, I don’t make the rules,’ he said, twirling the trunk of his favoured elephant the way a Bond villain might. “I’m two for Peppa’s sake! It’s the way we roll. But as I’m feeling generous, I think I can help a little…” He then shared with me his top tantrum-curtailing tips. I took notes so I might share these with you. It’s true what they say, kids are mean. We need to stick together…